The 4 A.M. Draft Board: Picking My Heroes Off the Black Friday Sales Floor

I have a confession. I have never been the person who camps outside a store at 4 a.m. on Black Friday. I have, however, been the person who lies awake at 2 a.m. debating whether a brooding contractor with a truck and a secret is a better first-round pick than a small-town sheriff with a slow drawl and a key to the evidence locker.

So this year, I am combining those two hobbies. Welcome to the Mackenzie McKade Black Friday Draft Board, where my heroes are not on sale — they are on display. You get to walk the aisles, read the tags, and argue with your book club about who belongs in the first round.

No actual stampedes. No layaway. Just fictional men with real fine print.

The Rules of the Draft (No Elbows Necessary)

Every hero on this floor gets judged on four things:

• Doorbuster appeal: How fast would you grab him in the first ninety seconds?
• Grovel warranty: How many chapters of apology come standard?
• Banter battery life: How long can he keep up before the conversation dies?
• Fine-print emotional availability: What is he actually offering once you get him home and assemble him?

I am not saying this is scientific. I am saying it is more honest than most product reviews.

First-Round Pick: The Grumpy Contractor

Doorbuster appeal: off the charts. Flannel, a truck that has seen things, and a jawline built for standing in the rain. He is the guy in the ad who looks like he might fix your porch and then leave without saying goodbye.

Grovel warranty: three chapters, plus he re-shingles your roof before he admits he was wrong. That is not a refund. That is a home warranty.

Banter battery life: eighteen hours, but only if you start the conversation. He will not initiate. He will just hand you coffee and stare at the horizon like it owes him money.

Fine-print emotional availability: sold separately. Assembly required. Instructions are in a language you do not speak, but the finished product is worth it. Best for readers who like a project and a man who says more with a hammer than a text message.

Second-Round Steal: The Small-Town Sheriff

Doorbuster appeal: steady. He is not flashy, but he is the first one you trust when the lights go out. The uniform does a lot of heavy lifting, and he knows it.

Grovel warranty: lifetime limited. He will apologize by showing up at your door with a casserole and a case file he probably should not be sharing.

Banter battery life: medium-high. He is dry, not dead. Give him a minute.

Fine-print emotional availability: genuinely available, but only on a porch at 2 a.m. If you need a public declaration, you will wait. If you need someone to sit beside you in silence, he is already there. Great for slow-burn readers who want a hero with a badge and a backup plan.

Third-Round Value: The Chef with the Forearms

Doorbuster appeal: immediate. He smells like garlic and ambition. He will feed you before he flirts with you, which is either romantic or a trap, depending on how much you like carbs.

Grovel warranty: one dessert. No words. The dessert is an apology. You will accept it.

Banter battery life: high. He argues about salt like it is foreplay, and honestly, it works.

Fine-print emotional availability: he says taste this instead of I love you. If you need verbal confirmation, keep shopping. If you need a man who remembers how you take your eggs and will fight a food critic for you, add to cart.

Clearance Rack: The Billionaire with a Boat

Doorbuster appeal: suspiciously high. The boat is doing a lot of work. The suit is doing the rest.

Grovel warranty: he buys the store instead of apologizing. That is not a warranty. That is a hostile takeover.

Banter battery life: sharp, witty, and exhausting if you are not caffeinated.

Fine-print emotional availability: sold separately, and the shipping is delayed. Return policy: store credit only. He is a great time, a terrible lesson, and exactly the kind of pick someone in your group chat will defend until sunrise. Let them. Every draft board needs a chaos pick.

Limited Quantity: The Best Friend's Brother

Doorbuster appeal: nostalgic. You have known him since he had a bowl cut. Now he has a jawline and a decade of unspoken feelings.

Grovel warranty: he has been apologizing in his head for years. That counts.

Banter battery life: excellent. He knows your coffee order, your ex's name, and exactly which buttons to push.

Fine-print emotional availability: fully stocked, but holiday sharing required. If you cannot handle him at Thanksgiving, you cannot handle him at all. Best for second-chance readers and anyone who loves a hero with history.

Build Your Own Draft Board

Here is the fun part. You do not have to draft like me. Pick your own categories. Maybe your first-round pick is the one with the best grovel warranty. Maybe you want the highest banter battery life, or the hero whose fine print actually says available. There is no wrong answer. There are only arguments, and arguments are the whole point.

My advice for this year's Black Friday draft: grab one comfort pick, one chaos pick, and one hero you would never normally choose. That is how you end up with a full cart and a group chat that will not recover until December.

The doors are open. The fantasy sales floor is yours.

The Fine Print on My Fantasy Draft

These heroes are fictional. They are not available for purchase, return, or exchange. They do not come with free shipping. They do not price-match. But rereads are free, and the grovel warranty never expires.

So tell me: who is your first-round pick? And please, for the love of romance, do not say the billionaire with the boat. Some of us are trying to shop responsibly.